Taurus playwright William Shakespeare once argued, “A quart of ale is a dish for a king.”
Today we feast.
Steins high, kegs tapped, bottles open and refreshment at the ready, we raise a toast every year on September 7th to “National Beer Lover’s Day.”
For as long as we humans have faced reality we have been fermenting ways to soften its sharper edges. Indeed, the fossil record of booze dates to a Neolithic grog brewed 9,000 years ago in China’s Yellow River Valley while the oldest barley based beer was was imbibed around 3400 B.C. in the Zagros Mountains of present day Iran.
Beer in it its frothed glory has been linked to all manner of muck and miracles; it can cause weight gain, dicey romantic decisions but also may have untold health benefits and according to some doctors can help folks survive a heat wave.
Alleged murderer, total Taurus and absolutely iconic bassist Sid Vicious, once admitted, “I’ve only been in love with a beer bottle and a mirror.” In a similar celebration of self-love and emptied vessels, we’ve compiled a list of the zodiac signs as beers. With the stars above and the foam below, we offer a hearty cheers.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Modelo
Ever the avenger of the underdog, Aries has no fear of a fight. The sign exhibits real superhero swagger and the Modelo brand exalts in that jock/hero energy. Through their “Fighting Spirit” campaign Modelo helps to revitalize gyms and is committed to providing funding and aid to under serviced military veterans and Hispanic communities, “to ensure that finances are never a stumbling block to achieving dreams.” Fighting the good fight and doing the right thing, all very on brand for these warmhearted warriors.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Miller High Life
The most indulgent sign in the zodiac, Taurus rules the second house of values and valuables. Bulls love a good time and a fine bargain in equal measure, making moderately priced, High life promising Miller their spiritual spirit. The ethos of founder Frederick Miller, “that the best things in life should be available to all” resonates with the Taurus spirit which views pleasure as birthright and decadence as always deserved.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Budweiser
Gemini is ruled by rapid fire, trash talking, yarn spinning, sonnet singing planet Mercury which governs over communication and the problematic art of advertising. In turn, no beer brand has made better use of marketing than ladies and gentlemen, Budweiser. Be it Clydesdale horses, hammy hounds or bellowing frogs, the message is clear and incessant.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Blue Moon
If Cancer were a sport it would be baseball; it’s nostalgic AF, no one gets hurt and everyone is trying to make it home safe. In kind, Blue Moon was born from America’s past time, developed at the Sandlot Brewery at Coors Field. Cancer is ruled by the moon and the beer takes its name from a rare lunar occurrence. Made in the style of Belgian witbiers, Blue Moon, like the average Cancer is bittersweet and difficult to see through.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Corona
Corona is Spanish for crown and Leo is the sign of royalty, making this a natural pairing. Corona trades on images of rich relaxation; Christmas lit palm trees and sandy beaches even as its downed in empty parking lots and frigid strip malls. Similarly, Leos maintain a carefully crafted visage of superiority and luxury no matter the weather they walk through. The beer, like the sign, also favors fashion over function; the clear bottles Corona is packaged in increase the possibility of spoilage/skunking through exposure to sunlight and fluorescent bulbs.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Michelob Ultra
Dubbed the “Gatorade of beer” Michelob Ultra is the drink of choice for health conscious hedonists and no one understands that balance like the gut ruled, terminally discerning sign of Virgo. Keto friendly and athlete endorsed, Michelob Ultra provides an alcohol wind down without compromising the body or tomorrow’s workout. It is, like the sign itself, moderately fun and fun in moderation.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Pabst Blue Ribbon
Renowned as much for its taste as its popularity amongst insufferable taste makers, Pabst Blue Ribbon is enjoyed by factory workers, baristas, artisan spoon makers and social media influencers. Libra is the sign of scales and balances and indeed PBR is the great democratizer of beers. The can is something of an aesthetic beacon and Libra bows before such power. Ruled by Venus, planet of love, beauty and artwork, Libras will appreciate that PBR encourages and even endorses fan art, offering an annual contest wherein the winning submissions are reproduced on limited edition cans.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Guinness
Dark, medicinal and when used in combination with eggs, able to bring people back from the brink of death, Guinness has much in common with Scorpio, a threshold sign that rules the eighth house of sex, death and regeneration. For a time, both fresh and aged brew were blended together to give Guinness its characteristic tang but in true mystery worshipping, clarity averse Scorpio fashion, the company refuses to reveal any trade secrets of how the famed brew is born.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Sapporo
“Fueled by an adventurous spirit, Seibei Nakagawa left Japan at the age of 17 at a time when doing so was strictly forbidden,” begins the origin story of Sapporo beer which is Sagittarius energy distilled. “His travels eventually led him to Germany where he learned the craft of brewing, a craft he would apply back home in 1876 as Sapporo’s first brewmaster.” A prodigal, beer loving son leaves home for forbidden destinations, seeks knowledge and a good time and returns wiser and filled with the desire to share what he has learned for the benefit of his countrymen, all in line with the high ideals and big time gambles of this mutable fire sign.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Yuengling
Founded in 1829 by a German immigrant in a coal mining town in the heart of Pennsylvania, Yuengling is America’s oldest beer and like the industrious Capricorn, ever enterprising. Not even prohibition could sink the spirits of this fam, nay, when booze was blacklisted they pivoted to selling “near beers,” a low ABV option that helped the business survive. The benchmark of the company is hard work and their promotional video is essentially a half hour ode to blue collar toil and family legacies, two qualities close to the mechanical chambers that echo in the capitalist heart of a Capricorn.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Stella Artois
In the major arcana of the tarot, Aquarius is represented by the Star card where a naked lady pours one out for her proverbial homies. In kind, Stella Artois, named for the Latin for star, was originally created as a holiday offering to the people of Leuven, Belgium where it is brewed. Aquarius has two planetary rulers and as such straddles the line between the status quo and the utterly outrageous. Stella Artois suffers from a similar division of identity. According to Vinepair.com, “Depending on whom you ask, Stella is either classy, trashy, or downright ordinary.” Either way, the beer, like the sign, keeps the conversation, and the controversy, flowing.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Heineken
Proud practitioners of the pleasure principle, Pisces can get on board with the guiding philosophy of Alfred Henry Heineken who espoused, “I don’t sell beer, I sell enjoyment.” Pisces is the last sign in the zodiac and fish folk tend to be community minded and vested in leaving the planet and its people better than they found it and Heineken is green in both bottle and politics, dedicated as they are to sustainability and environmental protection.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the star
- The 12 zodiac signs
- What are the astrology houses
- Here’s what each planet represents
- Sun, moon and rising signs: Get to know your Big 3
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.
